I'm tired.
you say that i need time to think, but in this condition, it has been nearly impossible. i have gotten a few thoughts in my head here and there--most have slipped away, but, one in particular, one very crazy, meaningful, endless, yet boundless thought has stayed in my mind through this whole complicated mess.
that i want to be with you, no matter what.
those words have been in my head since the day that i met you, since the day that we broke up, and until this very day.
i don't know when we are supposed to be together.
people tell me to wait, people tell me to do what my heart tells me, but my heart tells me to just be with you.
in all actuality, my heart has been pretty quiet lately. i think it's testing me, to see if i'm actually dumb enough to listen to my head.
i'm naturally analytical. i think stuff out. i don't normally go with my heart, but how contradictory, considering that I love so hard.
i feel like i'm on a path where i'm not sure where i'm going, but im letting time do its thing--and that's not at all in my nature. it's hard for me not to plan things out. i can't just "go with the flow" as you aries and scorpios (goldi and jelisa)say it. i get jealous, when y'all can do that, because yall can adjust to anything that comes yall's way without a split hesitation, versus, me...i have to wait it out.
so, i apologize that i have confused you, but i am confused. see, what you fail to keep locked in your mind, is that i don't want to not be with you and i don't want to have to wait again, but it's scary for me to go down a road where nothing is for certain. that's your nature, not mine.
it was last night that you told me for the first time that you thought we could be together through your deployment. no other time was i certain that you thought or even wanted to be together through the deployment. you said you would improve, but as far i knew, you didnt know where we were going to go, either. so you can't blame me fully for being confused.
it makes me upset how you yell at me for confusing you twice, but what you fail to forget is, just a couple of days ago, you confused me twice. think about it. yet i'm still always here, patiently waiting.
no matter how much you hurt me, no matter how much i guess with you, no matter how much you confuse me, i am still here, always.
doesn't that tell you something?
because if it doesn't, then open your eyes.
i'm sorry for always changing my mind, but you would too, if you have seen what i've seen and been through what i've been through.
you think that i change my mind because that's what i want, but it's not. i change my mind because i know what i want, but i'm just not sure if it will benefit everyone in the end---> there's my planning, again.
I'm not a selfish person, and never have been. if anything, for the longest time, I have been doing things for other people and not enough for myself.
i know that it has hurt you, loving me. & it pains me so bad when you say that, because loving someone should never hurt, like it hurt you.
But i guess, through it all, i am like you, because it has hurt me, loving you.
what's love when it doesn't hurt, sometimes?
i am scared of losing you.
i am scared of not being with you.
i am scared that you will go off and find someone else.
i am scared that later down the road you're not going to want me anymore.
i don't know if it's right, but I'm scared that we're altering fate. I don't know if fate is telling us to be together, or to not be together, but i feel like we're changing something. I'm not sure, if it's good or bad. hm.
anyways, another thing...
you get mad when i say that i don't want to be friends, but it offends me when you offer to be friends. When i say that i don't want to be your "buddy", it doesn't mean that i don't want to be anything, it means that i can't stand being just your friend. Why would you ever want to go back to those 4 years? i hated those 4 years of watching you do what you do, and you watch me. it was dumb, and it wasted time. I know you figure that if we can't be anything, we mine as well not be nothing, and be friends. But that's not how i view it. To me, it's being with you, or not. there's no in between after what we have been through, at least not right after being with someone, that doesn't make sense to me. it would just hurt both of us all over again. so, you can get offended all you want, but you need to understand what I'm saying.
you say you hurt all the time, and you just put it away in your stomach, but it doesn't go away, and it doesn't stay in your stomach. i know you. and i know pain. it's eating at you until you find some way to dispel of it--outside of your body.
i know this sounds crazy, but I'm scared that all that pain that you haven't thrown away is going to come back up, and you're not going to want me...or somehow use it against me. i know you wouldn't do that, but it's a fear.
i want you to stop blaming yourself for everything to, because if anything it has been both of our faults. yet, everything has happened for a reason.
i hate when you say, "leave you in the dust", because i know there have been times where i ran out the backdoor to escape the pain with you, but never have i ever completely left you, because i am still here today, through everything. I'll be bluntly honest with you, i could have left a while ago, but I'm still here.
you say you'll change, and i know it takes time, and I'm willing to make time to be patient in order to see that alteration, but i want to see it. you don't know how it felt to see you change in the first place, and expect someone that was long gone. i know that changing is from the inside out, but if it's not too much to ask, start with the little things and then move to the big things--like seeing me more, hanging out with me more, talking to me more. you say that you can see me when you wanted, but when you're deployed you won't be able to see me for a year...so then see me all that you can, while we still have time.
i told you that i will always be here, no matter what...and look at me. look at what we've been through, and look at what we're facing. and she is still standing there, in the same place, no matter how much she hurts, no matter how much she got confused, she never moved her feet--and that should tell you about the type of person that i am.
so, must i reiterate?
without any more hesitations, doubts, or confusion. i am sure. there isn't anyone else that I'd rather be with, and there isn't anyone else that i would want to love to the extent of which i love you.
i am not used to change, and this is what everything is, so I'm changing that part of myself too--so you're not alone.
i've been fighting for every minute for us to be together and for our relationship to last--a huge part of fighting is sometimes feeling like giving up and backing down, only because i've been fighting for so long and there hasn't been immediate results, but like i said, i'm not going to give up, and i'm going to remain patient.
i want us to be happy with one another, and stable.
every part of our relationship, has been complicated, but every minute of it, has been worth it, and i hope i can say the same farther down the road, in which we will travel.
i love you, CRB.
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