City Blues

Woke up at the of crack dawn with the sun shining in my eyes
As if he were blinding me from the world
Shielding me from the unknown days and restless nights
The city called my name for me to arise from my place of comfort
Street lights clicked as their moods changed,
I Lingered within the thick floral blankets,
As they gathered around my hips, squeezing me
As if they were saying, “Don’t let me go”
I gave them a melancholy glance, and swiped them from around me
And slid off my mountain-of-a-bed,
I paused,
And for a moment, I was dreaming so swiftly,
Floating in and out of reality
In and out of my mind,
Craving whatever was outside of my window
That caused me to be caught dead in a daze
An emotion so vague, that it could not be described
The moon still remained in the sky
Hoping for an answer as to why it has not left yet
Cars swish by
Trains blow their horns letting the world know,
That they are coming
A cool breeze smacks my face, and I am relieved from my dream
I rub my eyes, wanting to see my life more clearly,
But everything was a blur
I stumbled upon piles of letters
Some crumpled, some unfinished
I peer at them from the corner of my eye,
Twist my mouth to the side in concern
And continue walking
Nostalgia takes me over during my journey to the bathroom
The significance of writing him a letter
My point of writing him a letter
All of the possible responses to the letters if they were sent
I shake the constant thoughts from my mind
And I arrive in the bathroom
A wave of a liquid sensation splashes across my tired face
My eyes widen, and I no longer feel so stiff
From the chains of sleep
When I peer up, I take notice that
I am on the other side
To wonder what it feels like to be held within the
Constraints of yourself,
In a place where glass is your only surrounding,
Your only fate,
Your only hope,
Your only sense of protection
I walk back into my room
And slip on the clothes,
That gently hug my body
And give me a sense of comfort
A tingling sensation
Trickles down my spine,
And curves up my side,
Reaching into my nose
I turn around from my armoire
And peer at my bed
The smell of him
Drifts on my pillow
The sweet, but manly aroma of his being
The honey-like scent on his breath
His quaint, amiable smile floats within my memory
The feeling of his hands running alongside my arms and down to my waist
Firmly pulling me closer to him,
To steal a kiss
A passionate, but smooth kiss
His lips joining mine, slowly
Outlining the silhouette of mine
My breath flows into his mouth
And his into mine,
And we give each other life
He gazes into my eyes,
As if to figure me out,
As if to be saying something in his head
He tenderly whispered unto me, “Good morning, beautiful”
And I shyly smile and look down
He sneaks a peck unto my forehead
The most divine feeling filled my heart,
And I am complete
But that remembrance, has suddenly rolled away
With time and the past
And I found myself holding the pillow that he placed
His handsome head upon,
The sheets that his strong body was intertwined within
Tears quietly rolled down my face
And a pigeon came swooping by my window to greet me
As if to say, “Don’t worry, don’t cry”
A quick smile came across my mouth
And before I remembered, I was headed out to the city
On a mission of some sort
A drive that was forcing my long legs to move,
My feet to stomp on the pavement,
A crowd rushed passed me,
Persevering men working at stands screaming,
“I have Shish kebabs and hot dogs”
In their thick accents, wanting to be heard
Wanting business, as I shall say
I passed rich women,
Dressed up in their brightly colored silk shirts
With the matching skirt, and of course, the most expensive of heels,
Taking long, expeditive strides to arrive
In their big corporate office
Young teens,
Rushing in groups to head to the subway,
Talking about what they will do on the weekend,
Who goes out with whom?
And how they failed to finish their school work the night before
I smile, remembering those days
I keep walking without a destination,
Hoping I’ll end up somewhere interesting,
Somewhere that will captivate my mind,
Somewhere that will let me escape from my square-of-a-room
Somewhere where I can just breathe and live
Within my own time, my own world, if you will
Stereotypical tall, dark, and handsome men
Rush to their studios and law offices
To model and meet with their clients for cases
They all have such a determined face
A face that seems as if they know
That the whole world is watching them,
But it doesn’t matter,
Only they matter
Homeless people
Gather under bridges,
Longing for a better place to stay,
A constant feast being put in front of their face,
A place to wash up, and tear off the clothes that smell
Of sewage and bodily fluid
I give a few dollars to some of them that I passed by,
Not giving a care what they would do with it,
But instead the fact that I did something to help someone
They gave me a look, a strange, peculiar look
As if to be thinking, “Amazing, she is…”
I shrug off the look, throw a slight smile and worried look at them,
And continue walking
Taxis speed to their destinations,
Trying to avoid wasting time and the little tips, as a result
Women and men hold their thumbs out to signal to these
Bumble-bee-like cars
Time flew over the sky,
And the next time that I looked up,
The stars were watching me walk under them
They were making the tops of the buildings gleam with mystery
So intriguing, they were
Radiating within my eyes
I finally arrived in a stead of interest
It was a miniscule café on the corner of an avenue
That didn’t scream in fung shui,
But I stepped inside,
And alas, it was frankly astonishing
Paintings of such complex art
With colors and figures splashed across the canvas
In a pattern that caught the glimpse of my soul
The place, had such a cultural aura to it
But one that I could understand
It was a nostalgic environment
A place that yearned for small
Down-home people.
People that had a story,
People that knew that outskirts of their soul
People that lived within their mind,
But could express the depths that were
Slowly shriveling within themselves
A large stage with a microphone
Was arranged in the center of the café
Bar tenders and waitresses were serving hungry,
Complicated customers sitting down at small wooden tables
Clapping persisted after a young girl spoke her heart out
To the crowd
Something in me, something so faint,
But strong urged me to go on stage,
Urged me to explain what I’ve been dying to say
But to whom?
I demurely meandered upstage, as if an imaginary hand
Was personally escorting me
I licked my lips and cleared my throat in apprehensiveness
And introduced myself,
And what I would be sharing with everyone on this night
I began to speak,
And my words flew out, as if they had wings
I spoke of the story of a girl and a guy
Who were in love
But time would never let them be in unison,
How they both dreamed of a day where
They could be complete,
Where they could feel each other’s pain
How their love was unlike any other
So profound, yet complicated
How one day, one day soon, time would understand
And it would stop for them
But for now, they had to let go
Or everything would be in ruins
Things would never be acknowledged
Things would always be the same
So, she left, and he left
But her heart stayed and waited
while his left…
The crowd seemed so concerned and moved
They wanted to know what would happen next
They wanted to understand exactly how this girl,
And how the guy were feeling
I left the story at a pause,
And in walked a familiar face
A face that I could not grasp the reality of
A face that almost stopped my heart
…It was him
The guy who’s presence still lingered in my room
The guy who still had a part of me,
The guy who I still had a part of, deep down
He smiled, and sat down
My mind drew a blank
Trying to figure out what brought him here,
How he found me
However,
Underneath it all, his heart tugged at mine
And I was at ease, again
I smiled a shy, unbelieving smile
Bowed to the crowd,
And walked outside as I heard the people stand from their chairs
Looking back at me and clapping from the depths of their palms
I didn’t realize how late it was, but it was the late-morning hour
There went time again
Doing what it always does,
Sneaking by without a trace
I felt as if I left a part of me on stage, when I shared that story,
But when I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder,
That story flooded back to me,
And there he stood,
His beautiful face
His beautiful smile,
and he tenderly whispered unto me once more,
“Good morning, beautiful”

A Few Thoughts for the Day

It's amazing how the raindrops hug the window, kissing it passionately before it streams away and evaporates. The world has never seemed so beautiful these days. I love when you can feel the breath of fall lingering on the outskirts of the world, waiting for it's grand entrance of fallen leaves, a slight chill to the air, and a feeling of transition throughout the earth. Time is always the one aspect in my life that I always try to make sense of, but there is no sense to time. There is no matter that time uses discretion with in order to continue or stop ticking. It doesn't care what one goes through, it just keeps going boundlessly throughout some sort of realm that is unknown. We always want to change things about time, but what's the point? So, we can fix our actions, emotions, or thoughts in a certain situation? It doesn't matter. At the end of the day, none of that matters. Everything has a set balance within the world, and we may unintentionally mess up that balance by making a mistake, but the thing that we have to realize is that, that mistake was planned by someone higher than ourselves. It's just the way the world works. Everything is a series of chain reactions, stemming from one single unit of an event. The world is a circle, and everything within it follows that exact pattern. Take a chance to look at a situation in your life or your thought process during a single significant time in your life, did the situation reoccur in another form (whether it was lesser or larger in importance) or in a completely different form, but which was recognizable as what you've seen or experienced before? Did you ever re-think about something in another context? It's all a circle. Things like these reoccur to teach you some sort of lesson, or show you a certain aspect of the situation that you didn't pay attention to or act on before. Amazing, right? Indeed it is.

Some events have happened to me recently that I didn't want to experience, but I realized that those events had to happen to show me a pattern that I was previously oblivious to. I think that this is where I'm supposed to be right now, and I think i knew that this was going to end up this way for a very long time. Love disintegrates, and is integrated once more until it's in a position that is in unison with time--and that, is when the circle is broken. Thus, it is not our time, and God only knows when it will be or if it will be. Sadly, when we are not together, our feelings will begin to disintegrate from the position that they were in before. They may begin to weaken, but that's how it's supposed to be. You could have done things differently, but who's to say that it wouldn't have ended up like how we are now--apart? Nobody knows. I had to take a chance and escape from your arms. I was beginning to drag, and I realized that you were dragging along with me. And that's when I realized that you couldn't hold me or our relationship up on your own. I would always have to be the motor in the relationship. I would always have to keep us going. I wanted so bad to be both of us, but it seemed almost impossible. It was a huge weight on my back, and I grew tired. Tired of trying. Sad that I felt alone when you would go away for long periods of time, that it seemed as if it was just me in this, all the time. Impatient that the results weren't apparent like how I needed them to be. I needed things that I'm not sure that you could give me. I've been asking for those things for so long, and I never really got them. If I did receive them, they would be like the flash of a camera. They would come so instantly, then they would leave. I would reach out for them, and then when I looked in the palms of my hands, they were gone. We were gone. We were gone.
We are so different, and you're stubborn, and don't want to change. Improvement comes with knowledge of what is the problem, and I'm not sure that you knew, or maybe you knew, but it was too hard for you to improve--it required too much work. But God, I put so much work into our relationship and gave you everything I had in me. I'm not selfish, but I wish sometimes that I were, so you could feel the sting that I felt. So you could see the pain that I felt. So you could feel the weight that was on my shoulders. So you could know. We were drifting away by the second, and you couldn't see it, but I could. I could see it all. And maybe I left a long time ago, when I realized that things couldn't be changed, and when you began to slowly change, it was too late. But you didn't listen. You didn't listen to my cries. You didn't see the sadness in my eyes, when everyone else could see it. You didn't grab a hold of me from the start like how you should have. Maybe you just didn't know what I needed, or you just couldn't give it to me.
...Maybe you'll find someone a little more like you, and who can be more patient with how you "do things differently," and what you believe is right and wrong, than I could/do. Maybe you'll learn and treat her right. And I'll find someone. I'll find someone who won't be afraid to stretch miles and give me the world, and most importantly, himself. I'll find someone..

Forever, Eternity

A feather in my hair
Meets the ground as the wind cries past
A rose in my heart
Inhaling a far away amity
She asks “what is my fate?”
While hoping for forever
A lie told to her heart
Could never save her
Shadows flee to me
The end has never seemed so close
Voices in my eyes
I see her visions
She feels my breath
Tingling on her skin
The truth of a lie
Has been my greatest defeat
Yet I call on it once more, to relieve my veins
Black vines crawling on my chest
Thorns have sliced my skin
Fears have been dispelled from my blood
Tears’ laughter echoes in my ears
Anger rages from my throat
A crackle from the person in my mind, lingers through the night
she can never go back
she has never seen what her eyes wouldn't let her
paintings on the wall of her flashing memory
i erase it all from my mind as i try to remember
fire in my throat, as i can no longer scream
the walls begin to fill with the blood of my fears
i drown
i drown
in my fears, i drown
but within her room, the wall has a simple stain
she cuts her eyes in curiosity at the spot
contemplating the significance of it
a flash runs through her mind,
and all at once, she artlessly wipes the blood from her wall
and walks away
and i have been revived from my plunge

Out of Existence

nostalgia's glance
simplistic wonders into the world that drifts behind
black stones that hold their breath
under the weathering waters of my mind
the lens shutters at your presence
a shaken picture captures the hopes of a fateless tomorrow
maliciously, it has slithered into my palms
venomously infecting the innocence of eternity
make no return, no entrance onto these grounds
banished from the fire of a dream
the contriving pattern of a lost gratification
a transitory sun burning through vengeance
but what belief is there, when all else has fallen away?
a drop of forgiveness could not have reconciled it all
the actions of your heart have expelled a darkness too great
there will always be a distance
separating the fruitful isles
from an unfortunate ideal that has sealed itself into the earth
"who's turn is it?"
but there is no answer when freedom has reigned
control has pulled it to a halt
there is no idea that anyone could obtain
the first leap into reverse
diverging the opposites, converging the appearance of similarities
in compliments of creation,
there is a profound criticism,
a reasonable content outlining my mind
to have understood that the beginning of a matter
always goes back in time to where it has originally begun,
and all else falls out of existence from where it was left

And Love Battles- Pablo Neruda

wishful thinking explained by my favorite poet.



not only in its burning agricultures
but also in the mouth of men and women,
I will finish off by taking the path away
to those who between my chest and your fragrance
want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse
they will tell you, my love,
than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies
before I got to know you
and I did not wait love but I was
laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?
I am neither good nor bad but a man,
and they will then associate the danger
of my life, which you know
and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger
is danger of love, of complete love
for all life,
for all lives,
and if this love brings us
the death and the prisons,
I am sure that your big eyes,
as when I kiss them,
will then close with pride,
into double pride, love,
with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before
to wear down the tour
of the sweet and hard love which binds us,
and they will say: “The one
you love,
is not a woman for you,
Why do you love her? I think
you could find one more beautiful,
more serious, more deep,
more other, you understand me, look how she’s light,
and what a head she has,
and look at how she dresses,
and etcetera and etcetera”.

And I in these lines say:
Like this I want you, love,
love, Like this I love you,
as you dress
and how your hair lifts up
and how your mouth smiles,
light as the water
of the spring upon the pure stones,
Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me
but only not to lack during every day of life.
I don’t know anything about light, from where
it comes nor where it goes,
I only want the light to light up,
I do not ask to the night
explanations,
I wait for it and it envelops me,
And so you, bread and light
And shadow are.

You came to my life
with what you were bringing,
made
of light and bread and shadow I expected you,
and Like this I need you,
Like this I love you,
and to those who want to hear tomorrow
that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,
and let them back off today because it is early
for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them
a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf
which will fall on the earth
like if it had been made by our lips
like a kiss which falls
from our invincible heights
to show the fire and the tenderness
of a true love.