It's the hardest thing to see someone you love the most, ride away in the wind, and all that is left is the smell of them. For a moment, you lick your lips to remind you of the kiss that took place only minutes ago, and then it all disappears. The longing to hear their voice again, as if you've never heard it before; the longing to see their face again, as if it was unfamiliar to you. You return back to your home, that seems like the most emptiest place because they aren't there. However, you breathe in deep, but slowly and let out the most sorrowful and anxious sigh that holds all of your emotions. Out into the air, your most heartfelt sentiments whirl around you for a moment, causing a flashback of memories that could never be forgotten. Your first kiss with them, how they hold you, how they make you smile, how they make you mad, how they laughed, and how they smiled...You go to your chestnut wood drawer and pull out your photographs of them, and reread all of the letters that y'all have ever exchanged. Tears stream from your eyes, endlessly as you try your hardest to remember every detail about them--what color shirt they were wearing not that day, what they smelled like, what was the time period that you were in--spring, summer, fall, or the desolate winter days that linger around you now...?
The constant dreaming and longing for you to be with them again. It's a kind of desire that cannot be replaced by anyone else. It's a kind of want that makes you sickly happy to think of it, but sorrowful because it will be long before that happens. You find anything to occupy your time--your desperate sense of wonder that floats in your head, "What to do next?" because all you think about is them. And naively, you wonder if they ever think about you too...
As the seasons change, your heart stays the same. It's amazing how far apart you can be from them, but yet you see no other man (or women) in the same way. All you see is them.
However, as time goes on and the 1,000,0000 miles away seems to stretch its arms out farther across the blue oceans and desolate sand, that smile that you once had begins to fade...Every night you spend worrying about them, conjuring up the most awful thoughts into your head, crying your life onto the page that you wish would turn and they would be on the next page waiting for you; waiting to wipe those tears; waiting to hold you; waiting to kiss you; waiting to tell you that everything is okay now; waiting to understand your pain...
You see, the external thought of the military is completely different than when you begin to step inside the box--that's when the game changes. That is the time when you begin to see that life is not so beautiful anymore, that time has never been so precious to you in your life--where you actually sit and count the days, months, hours, and minutes until they will be reunited with you once more. All together, it is one of the most difficult aspects of life that one could ever personally experience (on both ends).
The most frustrating part is when you want to talk to them so bad, but you can't--and at times you take it personally. You start getting aggravated because you're changing your life around for them and dedicating you life to them, not knowing the future, not knowing what may happen next, and you wonder when will they start dedicating their life and time to you? You start blaming yourself, you start blaming them, you start blaming the world for not understanding how you are feeling. You start being selfish in a sense because all you want is them, and you forget that in the same light--just on opposite ends, they want you all the more too. You start stupid arguments just to hear y'all argue, or just so you can argue for a reason that is too small to consider; you naively start becoming secretly angry at them for taking the job/deployment in the first place, but then something in you tells you to settle down, and realize that this is one of the greatest honors that a person can do in their life, and thus, how could you be mad at someone for achieving great things? Choosing to serve each year, month, day, hour, minute, and second of their life to become a stronger individual, to learn to actively communicate with their fellow military members; choosing a job that risks their life to make money for themselves and their family, and most importantly they are choosing to die for the ones they love and to die for their country, all for a simple "occupation." Honor cannot be obtained from a simple measure with little effort; effort is achieved through a positive mindset, individuality, yet collectivism; through perseverance, strength, and dedication; honor is greater than the individual, it is everything in this world, put together and thrown on the individual's shoulders to see if they can carry it all--and when they do, that's when we can say that they have true honor.
But through all of your constant desires, anger, frustration, and sadness; through the years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds, you realize that you have never loved someone much in your life, and that you have never been so proud at someone for sacrificing their life and their dreams for something so much bigger.
Thank you for your service.
This was dedicated to:
My love, Carl Ryan Buser.
Regardless of how angry I get at you for not having time for me through this deployment, I'm not really getting angry at you, I'm getting angry at the situation, as a whole. I know that I can't blame you for this, none of it is your fault. I understand this whole process, and I know that it will lead to greater things, and I am trying my best to stay strong and be patient--and I think I've been doing pretty well, so far. So please forgive me when I get snappy and start getting upset at you, because underneath it all, I just want you to be back here with me, and I know that you understand that. I know that you don't need to hear me complaining when you have so much other stuff going on right now. However, through all of my frustration, sadness, and complaining, I know that I support you 10000% and that I am trying my hardest to be strong for you, me, and us. I have chosen to move my life around and devote it to you and your job, and I just hope that you will do the same for me, in life. I know that you miss and me and wish that you could be back here with me, and it will happen soon, as you always say.
I love you more than anything in this world, Carl, and please believe me when I say that.
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